Saturday, February 5, 2011

I, Mamata Banerjee

The state of political affairs in India is disgusting. I could not elaborate enough, my frustration at how Mamata Banerjee is doing whatever the hell she wants, like some spoilt damn child, and the center is unwilling to do anything to correct her, simply because she is helping them maintain majority in parliament. She is, as the hindi expression goes, 'seena taan ke' agreeing that she is showering gifts on Bengal cos she wants to be elected CM next term. While the PM is a mute spectator. This is my satirical attempt at a deconstruction...


(Translated from a page of the diary of Mamata Banerjee, with the help of my good friend Arindam Das. Who has stopped using the trains for inter-state travel unless its to West Bengal.)

Tomorrow I have to present my third railway budget to the Parliament. It is indeed a very hard job that I have. To face constant criticism throughout the year for showing apathy towards my ministry, only to again face flak every year when I present my budget. They say I am favorable to West Bengal. Do they expect me to be favorable to Tamil Nadu then? Elections are due in a year! My shonar bangla people need to know that I am there for them! So in this time's budget, I am going to make train tickets in West Bengal cheaper. Ten rupees for anywhere to anywhere within the state! How about that! And they could have on board bars, just like those fancy airlines I always travel in. What else, what else? Gold plated taps in the bathrooms, toilet paper made of Rs.100 bills. Food served in the Bengal trains should be prepared in olive oil, I hear its the healthiest. Next, Bengalis travelling on trains will get special discounts in shopping outlets and restaurants all over the country. I must lay new lines near Singur; it was after all by my own herculean effort that the villagers were not affected by the single greatest investment in a project that anyone had tried to make in the state. Now I have to make sure they are not oppressed or denied again. I must also repair the Howrah line, it's been an entire two months since I last commissioned that! Problems might have cropped up. I think by next year, with elections just round the corner, I'll waive the entire ticket tariff for them. Just in case. I know the nature of the bangla, he will sit in one place all day and rabidly discuss politics all day long, but he won't even get up to get himself a glass of water. But the point is he will discuss. And he won't go easy on a mistake. I must not give him any chance for complaint, for I need his vote.

People ask me about expenses. I tell them I don't care. They tell me the railways flourished under Laloo, and under my regime, has a Rs. 2,500 crore deficit. I tell them I don't give a hoot, let them appoint him again after I'm done. I'm just here to please my people for 4 years so that they'll make me CM next year. They tell me its a crime to be so brazen about the misappropriation of the railway funds, and the favoritism that I'm carrying out. I tell them I don't care what's right or wrong, I have nothing to worry about. My party's support is giving the Congress majority in the Lok Sabha and so I have a free run of the place. The center will overlook anything I do. I could just as well go to the PM and slap that ever-complacent face, or yank his sky blue turban off his head. His mistress Madam Gandhi would tell him to stow his anger away because I am essential to their stay in power. At best he can let it out by writing me a bad financial statement. Boo-hoo.

So thus armed almost with even more power that even the PM himself, I can go about running the railways any which way I want. And make sure that I become the CM of West Bengal next year. Where I shall again have my way.

Indeed, life is good.

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